Today I made nothing and was travelling the whole day so I will add the planeticket with which it all started in the first place, three weeks ago.

I flew back from Rome today. It was a long trip with a delayed flight because of ryanair staff shortages. I had also barely slept because my mind/ emotions were too active, this took on the form of constant music in my head.

I was feeling quite emotional at some points and arriving home was quite heavy. I don’t think I have ever been as free as I have in the past three weeks. With arriving at my parents home I all of a sudden feel the immense weight of my ambitions and responsibilities back on my shoulders very vividly. This makes me sad, I was really living for other people in the past time and now it is time to live for myself again. Maybe there is nothing that is as engaging as completely surrendering yourself to other people. I dont know. I told Shino about what happened with Daria, she was quite hurt by it, a lot more than I expected to be honest. I found it very hard to explain what it meant to me in that moment, also because I still find it hard to explain to myself what it means to me even now. Im still very certain about my commitment to shino and a future together but the fact i’m articulating this points a little bit at things are running trough my head. It will take time to take some distance from it, I did somewhat fall in love and that is something I cannot feel guilty for. I do need to take responsibility towards shino and not exaggarate this confusion for her or for me. I want Shino to understand that kissing daria was actually important for me in that moment. I was living so fully and meaningfully in that moment and situation and that is one of the points of life for me. It is an abstract sensation that is hard to justify in practical frame of daily life because there is not really much space for it to exist there. That is why I do not doubt that I really love Shino and want a future together and visit japan,… What we have is real and I am committed to that, but I am also committed to what is not real, I feel that as an integral part of me. At the same time I do feel guilty towards shino, if I had known she would feel this way about it I probably would not have done it. I do believe that if me and shino both find a way to place this it will make our relationship stronger.

We are very different in where we place limits (she said she would probably have prefered if we had sex instead of kissing, something that is totally strange for me.) Also in the way i/we communicated about these things beforehand I had no conception that a scenario like the one that happened could play out, which was also a bit naïve from me I suppose.

Aside from the concrete situation, It was some of the happiest weeks I have spent in the past year. It really feels like the chemistry of my brain changed somewhat. After the loneliness and difficulty I experienced in Lubumbashi my brain was also in a certain state that was partially marked by some of these emotions I feel. During these weeks it really felt as if I was able to break free from that trough the sheer abundance of love and friendship. Sometimes I feel like Im almostbecoming A hippie the way im talking about love and friendship. and maybe I will be a hippy a few years down the line hahaha. (i doubt it tough)