It has been about two weeks since the last post. The last weeks have been insane, I am at a lack for words. I am feeling exctatic and a bit nervous at the same time. Since this summer in Italy I have lived a fairly ‘reserved’ life. Not necessarily submerging in life completely. The kind of submerging where you come out the other end and realise that you havent been looking back but only forward, to the next day, the next moment,…. I have been fully submerged in the past weeks.

The city has really exploded open for me and I went from knowing a bunch people vaguely as individuals to becoming part of some kind of social dynamic really quickly. How fast I got close with Fionualla, Simon and Puck is mind-boggling and unique for me, I almost had to cry when I biked away from them this afternoon it is so incredible. They are people that are so incredibly funny. I really look up to them and I am SO THANKFUL that I have found that here in Rotterdam. It feels like we have really been sharing ‘a moment’ in history and our lives. It has made me feel like I belong right here in this moment and not anywhere else. It is such a big gift and I cannot begin to express that to them. For the first time in my life I also have ‘a lover’. Vera. She is not a girlfriend, not a fling or anything else. Just ‘a lover’ (in her words, which I like). There is space in my romantic life to have this at this time and I enjoy it deeply. We met each other just ten days ago but my life has been going so fast that it feels like longer. She is very different from me and I notice that I encounter certain barriers, and that I have come to a point at which I am capable of leaving them behind me and just accepting this person for who she is and finding so much joy, and reason to listen to her in it, and also accepting the stupidity of this joy is something I was not always capable of doing. Just in general being able to have crushes on people, to explore different places and explore interpersonal dynamics feels so incredibly stimulating. Two days ago at fionuallas party I also met an amazing girl with whom I first danced a lot and then had a 15/20ish minute long slow-mo play fight that was one of the most beautiful ways of making contact with somebody that I can remember. It really was a singular moment of connection. idk if we will see each other again or not but moments like that really give me a sense of presence and admiration for what comes my way. People are also really appreciative of who I am, and that feels like such a big present. As a person you really try to improve yourself and try to become fully who you are and to have it recognized so abundantly really fills your heart. I also just get a lot of compliments about how I look sexy or attractive, something that is also fairly new for me and is also really fun. It suprises me then, when I look in the mirror and I just see myself. As i write this now i feel it is time to step back a little and appreciate all these things, as well as reorient myself a bit. X is coming back from nyc tomorrow and I don’t know how she will be feeling or how things will go.

This weekend Lennert stayed with me for some days. I was a little nervous about it because it was the first person from back home that would actually partake in my life here, so I wanted to share the people and joy I have been encountering. What we got was WAY more than I ever expected and we were being dragged along by fate together, not me guiding him.

Weekend :

Lennert arrives –> fish and soup lunch –> picking up bike from super sweet and pretty girl –> fionuallas work bakery hangout with a bunch of ppl –> briennenoord sauna –> fio’s party till 6 am –> sleep, shower—> fios house for breakfast –> Vera’s friend house for a nap, hangout with dj panel and other cute tings—> Time is the new space party –> home, asleep with Vera & Lennert in bed —> Beautiful breakfast–> Roof of simons house with sun and many emotions —> work –> home.