Two days ago Lennert arrived. The neighbour and me picked him up at the station and we drove in the nearby villages aswell. Then we drank a bottle of wine and ate immensely good before going to sleep. Yesterday we spent most of the day by the pool. Talking, swimming and writing. So much to say. So healthy, so fun and inspiring. We got kinda drunk (me at least). And talked very intensely and inspired. This day I woke up quite early, didnt sleep so much. Read a text that june wrote and almost felt ashamed about how lackluster the text was I sent her the day before. Really really good writing from her. I immediately started writing in a completely different way and wrote something I like a lot I think, I also made this video. Then Lennert and me went walking the old dog Feed’j who lives here. A really old and fragile animal. We swam and then ate. Then each had a siesta before writing and swimming more all afternoon. Immensely nice and relaxing. I cooked and afterwards we made some nice pictures and watched my video-work from the residency. Where before I had had the sensation that I was proud and that except some minor stuff was wrong, now I did not feel that way at all. It did not feel right to have such a light time be intruded by this work and this information. Lennerts reaction was also very vague and kind of confused. He gave me some valuable pointers though. It seems like in some ways it really connected for him but in other ways it really didn’t. He showed me a teaser for a film-work he made and it really impressed and somewhat intimidated me. Then we got to talking about the implications of the ambitions we hold, and wondering what those ambitions really are? It is deeply uncomfortable to think about these things and how intertwined they are with a world running on violence and exploitation. And to think about how succes in this narrow corner of ‘art’ that was arranged for us, is affirming the system that created it. Not caring is taking a position, caring is taking a position, and taking a position is taking a position. This evening it has left we with an unexplainable sense of unrest, heaviness and kind of loneliness. I don’t want to think about these things, nobody wants to. I want someone to be close with me and really care for me and dissapear and never face my own concious, consequences or exsistence. There will be plenty of time for that I guess. For now I can lay by the pool…. It has been a beautiful couple days that I’m not doing justice in this text. Sorry for that, maybe the video is bretter for that.