I have not been this confused in a long time. x has come back and it is very clear to me that I want the reassurance of mutual commitment to a future together. But also that being together is a burden I really do not feel like carrying in this moment. I dont want to lose her and am willing to go far for that, but at the same time i will have to force myself. In my body i feel that I want to live in the NOW but in my head I know I will hurt later on if I don’t decide to invest in future. It feels frustrating that i lost grip on what i had so quickly, wether that be with fio, with Vera, social dynamic,… I maybe dramatize it a bit in this moment however.

Yesterday me and Simon went to a poetry evening and it was really beautiful. Halfway trough I got the news that a girl I knew from Belgium had chosen not to live anymore. Despite not really knowing her this has been in the pit of my stomach ever since. In the poetry evening there I realised that my first blog post was a picture from her work and the day i met her and talked with her extensively. I was really trying to wrap my head around this. To just grasp the basic material reality of it and i was not succeeding. In that moment, a bit overwhelmed by poetry confusion and sadness, i did not manage to understand it in any other way than the poetry i was hearing around me. That made me feel guilty