In the past days I have been to occupied with X being back to care about writing or creating here. In this moment X is high and having to make payments for new york so the vibe is not 100 and she needs her space. In these past days we have done a lot and it was fun but also intense to be fully back together after so much time. We have had very in depth conversations about us, life and also art to an extent. We are in rotterdam now. The night we first arrived here we talked until really late about our experiences the past summer and about death and dying. She said that if she were to die, she wanted me to personally visit everyone of her friends all over the world and talk to them and pass on a message of love and friendship to them. She was dead serious about this and we both teared up when she said this. It really touched me. The day after we rode the bike around all rotterdam and I was not really liking it so much bc I was basically just following her around. In the evening we ate some of Junko’s amazing japanese food. afterwards we were in X’s room and I was feeling kind of bad. I had been very in my head about different things all day and in this time we were in X’s room we talked about it. I think it was good to hear each other on these things, how we want to move forward together, relationship wise and what is important for us individually. These conversations make it very apparent that I do have some deep rooted insecurity somewhere that is very much paralel to a lot of confidence and faith. After this we went to a club party for which X booked tickets earlier in the day bc she liked the lineup. We went at 12 and it was really dead so we went back around 1 and then it was ON. We danced for a long time and very hard. The music and performance was really great and we both had a really nice time. Next morning X left early bc she was exhibiting in Delft for an event. I had a stragne day, texted a bunch of people to ask if they knew ppl that could host me and mark later in september and also came to Delft. I was a bit tired so it was kind of hazy but cosy nonetheless. (I stopped here and continue writing the next morning) We met a guy that can make grills and X really wants some and me too to be honest but i do wonder if it is okay for me personally to have grills. Like is it too much to spend this money on myself and look ‘cool’ like that, would it be corrupting a kind of focus I have about what is important and what is not? I dont know yet. When we went home X all of a sudden had to deal with this payment thing so she was kind of stressed and later in the evening this devolved into a fight when we saw there was a problem with the busses back to belgium. The fight was rooted in my desire to spend a lot of attention and time on each other, and for that reason doing a lot of effort for her to help her out with practical stuff. And her inability to spend this time and attention the way I would like but still expecting and needing my help with all her practical stuff. Despite not feeling fufilled I did know that she has been making an effort to show appreciation and is quite overwhelmed these days of just being back. We talked about this for a while after, found a kind of middle ground, made up and went to sleep. It all sounds very banal in a short piece of text like this. living it every minute is really intense to be honest.