A strange and interesting, sad and beautiful day today. Wow! After yesterday (If i dont make a post for yesterday I will forget what im talking about and forever regret it) after yesterday I decided that I would spend the day att home. This Bidules talk next week with the bog bodies girls was weighing on me pretty heavily. I really want to present something super interesting and Im doubting myself. I made this collage, went to the store, jumproped, showered,.. Then I wrote on the text of the talk until I was happy about where I got today and went to a cute cafe (vieille chechette) and read Deleuze on Spinoza. Very itneresting text, and the level of discourse is very nicely challenging and reassuring. Then I went home and cooked and felt terrible. I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed and then I just felt like I was about to explode or burst into tears and I felt so alone. Its just so much and i am soo unrooted and all ‘my’ people are elsewhere. My friends here do not belong to me anymore after so much time of not really seeing them. Not in a dramatic sense but in the sense that life constantly changes. They are still my friends and some of my closest dont get me wrong. its all in my head obviously. anyway after dinner I felt so overwhelmed that i just laid down for fourtty minutes and thought. It was a crazy experience, Energy rushing tthrough my body, my body and being caving in and being filled with reality around me and realising I need to open myself to the extreme, the world around me is compressing me to such an extent that I need to shrink back to some prenatal state and start over again. This time allowing myself to be filled with the fabric of what is actually present around me. Not what i want from others. I felt all these things and I felt the world collapsing in on me, starting with the cavity of my gut and a few times, with energy rushing through me, i felt myself nearly dissapear. It was an absurdly intense experience. I woke up from it feeling a lot better and immediately got my stuff to go out of the house bc I agreed to meet the bog bodies girls five minutes later. I stepped out of my house and walked for one minute before encountering M, she was calling Z. She had had a terrible day just like me, we laughed and I told her to join me, and she did soon after. We talked for a long time with the bog girls, it was only the second time we properly met but it was so nice and we had long conversations about instagram use, The work I will perform next week, love and friendship. Afterwards M and me walked around for a long time longer too before we said bye and I went to sleep. It ended up being a really beautiful evening after a very despairing day. something did really happen there while I closed my eyes.