I started to cry in her arms really hard. It was an incredible outpouring of emotion that had been stored up for a long time I think. I have been feeling so much, and after being disarmed by the gifts and her demeanor, the walls holding this back crumbled completely. It was allowed to be there without being more then it was, emotion. Happiness, love, fear, hurt, appreciation, confusion,… It all poured out, flowing over both of us, without expectations, exclamations or blame. Also the entire change of moving to Rotterdam and the overwhelmingness of all of it poured out. It was very beautiful. It had been almost a year since I had cried I think, in Congo. I did not expect it at all, and it feels like a world of experience inside of me surged up out of nowhere and burst to the surface. This is very rare for me and made me realise the depth and significance of everything I experience in relation to who I actually am. There are so many worlds of experience that are running parallel to each other and crossing over inside of us constantly and to experience the profound depths of these worlds is something to be deeply thankful for. I enjoy crying, especially if it is with someone that cares about me. I am almost never capable of doing it, my inner world is not quickly stirred to tears. So when I do it, it is always as meaningful to the other person as it is to me. I met a really fun girl that calls herself Lola that might be(come?) my first real friend in Rotterdam. She says she raps and makes art with her tears. Thinking about this I realised that she must have a really different relation to her body and tears than me. It is a curious thing.

Today two months ago was my birthday. I turned twenty-three then. Yesterday was the day I planned with S to celebrate this occasion together because she was not around two months ago. It turned out to be a really strange day. We ended up doing many things I did not actually want to do on this particular day (like grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, …) but I did a very bad job indicating my expectations and needs. Nonetheless it was a very beautiful day. We ate pizza at noon and watched poor things all afternoon and hung out in the couch. I dont usually like this in the middle of the day but this feeling of luxury is nice, however disorienting. After a frustrating dinner preparation that turned out pretty bad we laid down for a while and decided to eat cake and open the gifts. It is hard to explain what happened next. She gave me some really cute and thoughtful gifts and it was so clear that she tried her best for me and for this day. This was so disarming to me and I started to cry in her arms really hard. Even tough it played a role, it was not about the gifts or that day in particular. It was an incredible outpouring of emotion that had been stored up for a long time I think. I have been feeling so much emotions regarding S, and after being disarmed by the gifts and her demeanor, the walls holding this back crumbled completely. It was allowed to be there without being more then it was, emotion. Happiness, love, fear, hurt, appreciation, confusion,… It all poured out, flowing over both of us, without expectations, exclamations or blame. Also the entire change of moving to Rotterdam and the overwhelmingness of all of it poured out. It was very beautiful. It had been almost a year since I had cried I think, in Congo. I did not expect it at all, and it feels like a world of experience inside of me surged up out of nowhere and burst to the surface. This is very rare for me and made me realise the depth and significance of everything I experience in relation to who I actually am. There are so many worlds of experience that are running parallel to each other and crossing over inside of us constantly and to experience the profound depths of these worlds is something to be thankful for.