Yesterday after dinner I communicated to shino that we had to talk once I was back in Rotterdam. She responded that she wanted to talk right then. So we did and the call was 3 hours long. The first hour / hour and a half was very intense. It feels like it had been a very long time since we had actually put everything on the table so openly. What came out kind of worries me to be honest. Shino described feeling very distant because of a few instances in our relationship in which I dissapointed the trust she had in me, and only recently realising that these things were still bothering her deeply. From long ago and from more recently. Situations which proved to me the trust I had in her, but that were painful for her. It is strange because troughout being together I do not feel I have ever acted maliciously towards her and have never stopped caring about how she feels, but I have seriously hurt her in the past. And in some cases (one case actually) convinved myself that it was necessary in some way. It is painful to hear then that “I do not love you in the same way I used to, I am more protective of myself now.” We both know that this is not a healthy way of being together, the past time proved that much. Hearing this really snapped me out of my own head and the things I was blaming her for were completely recontextualised. It is no use holding grudges when you are both trying your best. I think she had a similar sensation. We are in this together and we agree this feeling is not a foregone conclusion. I want to be as close as we can be. We agreed we will communicate more mindfully about this and spend care and attention on this. The conversation was quite sad in its content because it made clear that we are really not in a good place, but ironically saying these things feels like it becomes so much more managable in an instant and you feel you really care about each other. It lifted a heavy weight of frustration and sadness off of my shoulders actually. After that we really started acting silly and bullshiting to each other for another hour and a half. A very necessary and heartwarming conclusion.