I have not written for a long time. The last time I wrote was a few days before I hung out with someone, C, that will change how my life will unfold. My life has already changed, albeit in relatively small ways for now. How much will follow now is not for me to know, only for me to desire. I don’t know wether that desire is for the better or for the worse. I suppose that is ‘de aard van het beestje’ (the nature of the creature). I am in love.

I am well aware it is far outside my capacity to say anything new or revelatory about it, but my god is it fantastical. What a delirium. I am astonished at how it uproots me. I am once again reminded of the extent to which I attempt control. I feel -intensely- that it is slipping now. In the past years I have accepted my love for people, and others’ love for me quite radically. This has at times been vulnerable, effortless and sometimes painful, but always meaningful. In those years I have prided myself on an acute awareness of the practicalities mutual love requires. The keeping in check of what I wanted from others. The ability to keep it in the periphery of what constitutes ‘me’, my passions, my capabilities, my ever-continuing attributing of meaning to my own life. Now, the limb-loosener has come to crush me. It was probably a bit overdue.

When talking to C on a video call today I fell so quiet. The texture, cavities, bumps, and marks of a body slow down my mind as it attempts to race over them. On that videocall I was faced with the flatness of my screen (or maybe the flatness of my mind?). I grew so self concious all of a sudden. I try to make it sound nice in the last few sentences, but in truth I don’t know why it happened, and I don’t think I should. I have socialised and cultivated myself in such a way to be easygoing, interesting, interested, passionate, deep and accessable. And at the same time really, really ME. Why is it then that I had such little capacity (or impulse) to say anything, to interject, to make a joke,.. Maybe the nature of our conversation was such that it made complete sense for me to listen mostly in silence with attentive stares at C on my screen. But the fact I’m even contemplating this is a testament to the humility I feel now hahaha. What the hell is right with me?! I thought I knew love?

The more concious I feel in any given moment with C, the more delirium seems to grip me in the wake of it. I share moments with her that are so incredibly real. Moments in which I want nothing except for them to be more real, for me to be more concious, to be so concious that one of those instants could fill my mind entirely in such a way that I could exist in that single instant for all my life. I write it as a figure of speech as well as literally. I believe eternity does really exist in those moments we share. My conciousness is still too small to experience that to its fullest extent however. I believe C has a talent for this. A talent for eternity (it sounds cheesy, but I write it with a head held high and faith that reality and delusion both deserve this seriousness) All of a sudden I am not socialized or cultivated. Not so easygoing, interesting, interested, passionate, deep and accessable or at the same time really me. I am just there sharing a blank mind and a body that is almost moved to tears sometimes.